AT in Mary Sue Land: Fellowship of the Ring
by Astrid Tinuvial
Summary: Syth Colbalt drops everyone's fav authoress, Astrid Tinuvial, in Middle Earth. As if that wasn't bad enough, she is forcing her to do Mary Sue related tasks. The horrors! Rating for language.
1. Syth's Cruel Intentions

Disclaimer: Me no own LOTR. Me no own SC. Me no own anything. Gaa! No sue!  
  
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And now our feature presentation. i AT In Mary Sue Land: Fellowship of the Ring /i  
  
A happy, smiling sun rose over Middle Earth. Birds sang happily as they greeted the dawn. It was so peaceful. No one there could possibly be unhappy. Truly Eru had blessed this spot. The grass was the brightest green and the sky was a cheery blue. Nearby, a river gurgled gleefully. Even the fish in the river were really, really, really ha- "GODAMMIT!"  
  
Ah. I see our brave young heroine has awoken. Sprawled across the path was none other than the authoress Astrid Tinuvial. She joyfully rose and greeted the sun.  
  
"GODAMMIT! Where the hell am I? Damn damn damn damn damn!" she screamed.  
  
Suddenly she heard people coming down the path. She dove into the bushes when she saw who was coming.  
  
"What the hell? Aragorn, Sam, Merry, and Pippin? Where the hell am I?!?!? Godammit!" asked the authoress trying to assess the situation.  
  
AT watched as the party passed. She heard little tidbits of conversations. From what she heard our super smart protagonist figured out they were heading to Rivendell.  
  
"They must be going to meet up with Frodo. I really hate that little blighter," AT said to herself. "Still can't figure out why the hell I'm here. If I'm in Middle Earth, it's most likely that I mess up the storyline. That would mean I'm a *cringe* Mary Sue."  
  
"You are absolutely correct," said a somewhat familiar voice behind her. AT quickly spun around so she could see the speaker.  
  
"SC, what the hell?! Godammit! Did you do this to me?!" she inquired. "And what the hell are you wearing?! Are you sitting on a llama?!?!?!"  
  
The person this question was directed to was AT's best friend Syth Colbalt, or SC for short. Dressed in flowing robes she was seated atop a llama. She laughed manically and replied, "Of course I did it. Who else would?"  
  
"But why?!"  
  
"Because you always call me and rant about the horrible Mary Sue's you have read all the freaking time!"  
  
"Godammit! That is no reason to make me a Mary Sue. Do you realize how much damage we could do to the beloved sub-creator's work?!?!"  
  
"Only you will be doing the damage, AT. No one can see me unless I want them to."  
  
"Godammit SC! Get me the hell out of here! Now!!!!"  
  
"You will leave according to my terms."  
  
"And what god damned, f*cked up terms might those be?!"  
  
"Tsk tsk. Language, AT. These are my terms. You have two weeks to complete three tasks. If you do not complete them in said time period, you will be stuck in Middle Earth forever."  
  
"Agh! GODAMMIT! What the hell kind of tasks do I have to do?!"  
  
SC laughed to herself and dismounted her llama. "You have to complete the three main objectives of a Mary Sue. First you must join the fellowship. Then you need to slay something, preferable an orc or urk-hai. And lastly you must kiss one of the male leads."  
  
"Screw you. Did your god damn llama help you think that up?!"  
  
"YOU DID NOT JUST INSULT MY LLAMA! You do not insult Bob. Poor Bob." SC pats her llama on the head and begins talking in a babyish voice to it. "Who's a good llama? Yes you are, yes you are. You are the bestest llama in the whole Middle Earth. Such a good llama. Yes you are! I wuv you Bob! Yes I d-"  
  
"Godammit! Shut the hell up you blathering idiot! How the hell am I suppose to join the fellowship?!"  
  
"Well Rivendell is right over there. Let's go speak with Lord Elrond."  
  
"Oh godammit."  
  
END OF CHAPPIE 1!  
  
A/N: Hey y'all! You likey? Reviewy! SC and me are righting this together so you can drop her a message to if you wanna. This is going to be major funny (I hope) so y'all are in for a wild ride. Get ready for invisible catfights, flying llama rides, and much much more!  
  
Just a note: If you want to review, but your not sure how, it's actually very easy. You clicky the purty blue button, typey stuffs in the boxy, and clicky the send button. Yayz! 


	2. A run in with Arwen and a talk with Elro...

Disclaimer: Me no own LOTR. Me no own SC. Me no own anything. Gaa! No sue!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Last time on AT in Mary Sue Land: Fellowship of the Ring  
  
i "Godammit! Shut the hell up you blathering idiot! How the hell am I suppose to join the fellowship?!"  
  
"Well Rivendell is right over there. Let's go speak with Lord Elrond."  
  
"Oh godammit." /i  
  
Now our feature presentation.  
  
We now join SC and AT in Rivendell. Technically only AT is there because no one can see Syth except for our heroine. Many elves are staring at her strangely because it appears that she is arguing with air.  
  
"SC, how the hell did we get into Rivendell?! It's not like they just let strangers in."  
  
"Astrid, you forget. This is a Mary Sue. We can go anywhere we want! Let let's go find Elrond and convince him to let you come to the counc- OW! What the hell was that for?!?!"  
  
AT had whacked Syth on the back of her head. She dryly answered by saying, "For reminding me that you got me into this friggin' mess! Godammit!"  
  
"You say that an awful lot."  
  
"So? I have a damn good reason to curse. I'm a god damned Mary Sue!"  
  
Suddenly an elf stopped in front of our two friends. "Your name is Mary Sue?"  
  
"Erm, no," answered AT.  
  
"Well what is it then?"  
  
"Astrid. Why do you want to know?"  
  
"Mae govannen! I'm Arwen Undomiel, daughter of Elrond Perehedil! Why are you here in Imladris?"  
  
"Actually, I'm here to visit your father."  
  
"Oh! You can't visit Ada looking like that! Come to my quarters and I'll help you find a dress. This will be such fun!"  
  
Arwen then cheerfully lead AT to her room with an amused, yet unseen SC followed behind. They sat down while Arwen rummaged through her trunk for a dress. AT whispered to SC, "Why the hell does she keep switching from Elvish to English? Plus, I don't think that 'mae govannen' is even a standard greeting. And wouldn't she be speaking Westron not English? Lastly, why the hell is she getting me a dress?!"  
  
SC tried not to laugh while saying, "There is nothing sadder than a Tolkien geek in a Mary Sue fic."  
  
"I hate you, godammit."  
  
Suddenly the conversation was cut short by an excited cry from Arwen. "Oooh! I found the perfect dress for you." She walked over and proudly displayed a very revealing red dress to AT. "It's my favorite dress, but I want you to have it!"  
  
"Erm, it's lovely."  
  
"Put it on! I want to see you in it! You can change behind that screen over there."  
  
"Godammit," muttered Astrid under her breath. As she changed she pondered why Arwen would have a screen to change behind in her room.  
  
"Are you done yet? Do hurry!"  
  
AT walked out from behind the screen. The dress fit her perfectly, which also was puzzling because her measurements were nowhere near the elf maiden's. "Oh yeah," she remembered, "This is a Mary Sue. Godammit." She then glared at Syth, who was sitting in the corner laughing like lunatic. "I am going to kill her someday."  
  
"Kill who?" asked a naïve Arwen.  
  
"Oh, no one," said AT while glaring at her tormentor.  
  
"Okay then! Let's go find Father!" Arwen dragged her newfound friend out into the corridor and down the hall. Syth trailed behind talking care to not run into anyone. Soon they arrived at their destination even though the House of Elrond was very large and it probably would have taken a long time to get to Elrond's quarters or where ever the hell he was, but this is a Mary Sue fic and time moves faster.  
  
"Here we are!" Arwen announced proudly. She walked up and knocked on the large door, then called, "Ada? Lasto edro!" Slowly the door opened.  
  
"What is it daughter?" inquired the lord of Rivendell.  
  
"Father, this is my friend Astrid. She needs to talk to you," said Arwen whilst pushing our protagonist forward towards Elrond. "Will you see her now?" AT could see that SC had already snuck in behind him and was cozying herself in the corner.  
  
"Well I suppose. Do, come in."  
  
"Thank you milord," said Astrid speaking for the first time. She knew she had to be courteous, or she would blow her chances of getting in the fellowship. Not that she wanted to be in it, but if she didn't she would be stuck in Middle Earth forever.  
  
"What do you wish to speak about, Astrid?"  
  
"If you don't mind, I wish to converse privately."  
  
"Certainly. Arwen, would you?" Elrond asked his daughter.  
  
"Oh. Yes Ada. I shall go find Estel." Arwen left the room and shut the door behind her.  
  
"Now, what is so important that my only daughter cannot hear what you have to say?"  
  
"It concerns the Ring."  
  
Not expecting this, Elrond was a bit startled. But he kept his composure. "Go on."  
  
"I know that there will be a council concerning the fate of the One Ring tomorrow. It is absolutely essential that I am present. I must be part of the group that destroys the Ring," this was as much as AT ventured to say. She could not reveal how much she actually knew or she would risk messing up the story line.  
  
"How do you know of these things? The meeting of the council is of the utmost secrecy. Furthermore, why should I let a mere human girl of questionable origins have a say in the destiny of Middle Earth?"  
  
"I cannot tell you. But you have to understand. If I am not allowed to attend, my life and many other's will be negatively affected."  
  
"I find that extremely hard to believe."  
  
"So I will not be allowed to go?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Godammit."  
  
END OF CHAPPIE 2!  
  
A/N: You likey? Reviewy! 


	3. Of Spiders and A REALLY Stupid Aragorn

A/N: (SC): Critique is most certainly welcome, but if you plan to "flame," please, give a name. Cowardice is even worse than the flame itself. 

            This chapter written by the famous author, Syth Colbalt! Check out SC's other work on Fanfiction.net, and FictionPress.com! 

            And now our feature presentation! _AT In Mary Sue Land: Fellowship of the Ring_

Astrid wandered about Rivendell, sulking. Everything was wrong, wrong, wrong, WRONG! First, she had been stuck in a Mary-Sue, and then she hadn't been able to get into the council. Plus, Syth had taken away her ability to curse!

            AT meditated on this as she shuffled along the foyer. 

_"That's it, I'm sick of you!" yelled SC, pointing a finger at AT. "Your language is inexcusable! But all of that's about to change…" She muttered an incantation under her breath, gesturing at Astrid._

_            "What the fork do you mean?!" cried AT, but it was too late; the spell had taken hold. "Fork?! Why the heck did I say FORK?! I had meant to say fork! What the heck?! Now I'm saying HECK?! Aw, crud."_

_            "Mwahaha. That's right," cackled SC, "you can no longer say anything offensive. You are strictly forbidden to use foul language. Go on, try to say a curse."_

_            AT focused all of her attention on cussing. "Goatdarnnit! Oh, SHRIMP! This stinks! Skewer you, Syth!" _

_            SC tsked. "You know better than to use such words. Get used to it, hun, 'cos it's not going to change any time soon."    _

_            "GOATDARNIT!!"_

            AT sighed. Head bowed and eyes lowered, she kept walking. Suddenly, she bumped into *someone*…

            "Sorry, milady," said a male voice, and AT's head snapped up.

            A single thought flashed through her mind before she was rendered utterly mute: My_ goat, it's_ Aragorn_!_  

            "But not the Aragorn you _think_ you know…" cackled SC, appearing by Astrid's

side, accompanied by her _flying_ llama, which she was sitting on.

            "How do you mean?" demanded Astrid, rounding Syth. 

            "We-ell, just like The Noble Platypus portrays in her fic, all of the main

characters are complete puppy dogs," replied SC, patting her llama on the head.

            "Fork you! Is _that why he said 'sorry'?! How could you ruin Tolkien's work?!"_

            "I wouldn't yell at me if I were you…"

            "And why the heck not?!" 

            "Perhaps if I switch POVs you'll see. Besides, it's a classic Mary-Sue trait," said

Syth Colbalt.

            Aragorn looked at Astrid, confused. Why was this maiden talking to thin air?

Arwen hadn't mentioned anything odd about her… _There has to be some reasonable_

_explanation_, he thought. Perhaps she was simply tiered. _Or maybe_, said a small voice in

the back of his head, _she's raving mad_. 

            Aragorn, not wanting to risk anything, took a step backward, saying, "You must

be tired. Let me have Arwen show you to your room, okay?" Astrid rolled her eyes,

covering her face with her hands.

            Astrid shuttered, repulsed by his way of speech. She looked about, realizing that the POV had changed again, and that SC was gone. 

            Aragorn stepped back again, palms raised, and AT noticed that he was up against the wall. 

            _This is my chance to kiss a lead character!_ Astrid thought, advancing. 

            Aragorn shifted uncomfortably. "Arwen!" he called, "Er…Arwen, could you show your friend to her room?"

            _Nooo! Curse you, Arwen!_

            Unfortunately, Arwen came anyway. She dragged the unhappy authoress down the hall, chattering nonstop.

            In a few minutes (that seemed like hours) Arwen stopped talking and dragging.

            She pulled open the door, and shoved AT inside the room. 

            "…And this is _your_ room! It's usually used for the most honored guests, but since we're _friends_, **_you_ **can have, AT."

            At this point, I should be telling you how lovely the room was…ya know, ivory junk arranged perfectly in the corners. But, since this is a _parody_ of a Mary-Sue, and not a _real_ Mary-Sue, I'll just skip the details and let you imagine how sickeningly faultless the room was.

            "Oh, goody-joy," mutter AT, shuffling over to the soft, fluffy bed. 

            Arwen waved "Bye-Bye," and shut the door. 

            "Stupid fluffy bed," muttered Astrid, kicking the lovely ivory and leaving a scuff. "Ha, ha. Serves you right for being so perfect and wonderful."

            SC appeared once again. "How plan you to join the fellowship, pray tell?"

            "I don't _know_, SC. You tell me."

            "Well that's not a very good plan."

            "Fork you! Aw, _goatdarnit_! Can I _please_ have back the ability to curse? _PLEEEEEEAAAAAAASE?_"  

            SC toyed with her long, flowing robes. "Whyyyy?"

            "'Cause it's forkin' hard to express my anger!"

            "You seemed to be doing just fine."

            "EATING UTENSILS DO _NOT_ EXPRESS ANGER!!"

            "You just chill for a sec, okay? I think I hear *someone* coming…" Syth grinned evilly, and vanished with a puff of cobalt smoke.

            There was a knock on the door, and that someone came in. "Er…I thought I heard something, milady."            

            AT resisted the urge to break down and cry with pity for the stupid prat. "I'm _fine_, Aragorn. I just saw a…a…spider. Uh-huh. That's it."

            Aragorn nodded seriously. "Mmm. It could have been poisonous." 

            "Yeeeeaaah." AT stared desperately at Aragorn. If only he were himself. Oh, heck, what did she care? Aragorn was Aragorn. 

            And she'd kiss him if it was the last thing she did.  


	4. Oh, AT, The Fellowship leaves todaaaay

Disclaimer: No own LOTR. No own SC. Gak! No sue!

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The sunlight poured through the windows of Astrid's room. It illuminated the lovely ivory that was neatly arranged everywhere in the room. As it shone on her face, AT's eyes fluttered open.

"Fork it. I'm still here," she said as she rose out of bed.

"Of course you're still here, idiot. What did you think that I would let you off easy?" replied SC who appeared in a puff of cobalt smoke atop her llama, Bob. 

"Goatdarnit! Syth, I'm going to hurt you. Why the fork do you always do that?" 

"Do what?" questioned Syth sweetly.

"Pop up all the forkin' time. It's reeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyy getting on my nerves."

"Well I just came to remind you that the Council is today and that they'll probably leave tomorrow."

"Are you insane woman?! Aragorn and the hobbits just got here so that means that it's around October 22, 3018 TA. The Council wasn't held until the 25th. And the fellowship didn't leave Rivendell until the 25th of December. Duh."

Syth sighed. "Astrid, how many times must I tell you? This is a MARY SUE. Things happen within days, not months. So the fellowship is leaving in one day. You better come up with a plan fast."

"B-but, that's not right," AT said, almost whimpering.

"Tolkien geek."

"Skewer you."

"Such language. I shall have to make you pay. Hmm... How shall I handle this?" SC said. She snapped her fingers and exclaimed, "Perfect. This will do wonderfully."

Astrid looked a tad nervous. "What will do wonderfully? Is this going to hurt?!" Almost as if an answer to her question, there was a knock at the door. She looked to her tormentor and said, "That's not Aragorn is it?"

SC shook her head vigorously and laughed. "Tell whoever it is to come in."

"Erm, come in." 

As the door opened Syth shook with a fit of laughter and fell off Bob with an unheard thud. Astrid just about screamed. None other that Legolas Greenleaf entered the room. Since there was no logical reason why the elf would be searching for the authoress, our heroine surmised that this was SC's doing. She glared at her friend and remarked, "He's going to fall in love with me isn't he?" 

Syth composed herself and replied, "Yup. And I'm going to change POV's again." 

~*~*~ Legolas POV ~*~*~

Legolas couldn't quite remember why he had come to this room. It was almost as if a force had willed him to do it. As he entered saw a maiden conversing with air. i _Maybe this is the insane girl that Aragorn was telling me about. He didn't say she was this beautiful though._ /i 

Suddenly she looked at him and exclaimed, "Fork you, Elf Boy! I'm NOT beautiful OR insane." She turned away and said, "SC, put the POV back the way it was. NOW!"

He was quite confused by this. i _Surely she cannot read my mind._/i

"Of course I can't read your mind. Goatdarnit!" she replied in a voice that he found enchanting. She continued by saying, "SC, why the heck is he so OOC, and more importantly, WHY THE HECK IS HE IN MY ROOM?!"

Suddenly her eyes grew large and she turned bright red. She vaulted off the bed she had been sitting on and jumped at what seemed to be empty space. She screamed at the top of her lungs, "SKEWER YOU, YOU FORKING LITTLE WENCH!!! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!"

Legolas watched in amazement as the girl tackled thin air and began punching at it wildly. Even more curious than this was that she didn't hit the floor. She seemed to float about ten inches above it. Suddenly scratches began appearing on her face. i _What in Eru's name is going on?! _/i Rather than figure things out, Legolas decided that it was best to let this work itself out and sprinted out of the room and down the corridor. 

~*~*~ End of Legolas POV ~*~*~

"He's gone and I changed the POV back, SO STOP PUNCHING ME BEFORE I RIP YOUR GODDAMN HEAD OFF!!" exclaimed SC, attempting to deflect AT's attack.

"SKEWER YOU! Why the fork can you cuss?! NO fair!"

"Ha-ha. You'll just have to live with it, won't you?"

"Fine. But why the fork did Leggy-idiot call me beautiful?"

Syth smirked. "You haven't looked in the mirror lately, have you?" She pointed to the mirror in the corner. "Go see for yourself."

"You command me a lot. Do this, don't cuss…blah blah blah…" She went to the mirror anyway. 

AT's jaw dropped. The girl in the mirror had long ebony hair that flowed down to her ankles. Her eyes were a grayish-purple with indigo rims. Her skin was a milky white and flawless. She was clad in long scarlet robes (Arwen's favorite!), that were showing a bit too much for her comfort. 

"What. The. Heck. Did. You. _DO_?!" Astrid's eyes began to glow a bright pink. With a blinding flash of light that sent SC flying across the room, the mirror shattered into millions of pieces. "Whoa. You gave me telekinetic powers? Rockin'. But….that makes me even _more_ Sue-ish! SHRIMP!" A very evil expression appeared on AT's face.

SC rolled her eyes, muttering, "Don't get any ideas. You can't use your powers against me. Nyaaa-nyaa." (Syth stuck out her tongue at Astrid.)

"Then how the fork did you fly backwards?!"

"Dramatic effect. Shut up."

"This is MAJOR shrimpy. I'm going to get something to eat."

As our heroine turned to leave the room, SC began to speak. "Oh AT…"

"What you forking little witch?"

"The council is meeting in a couple of minutes." Then Syth laughed manically and disappeared in the same manner she came.

"Goatdarnit."


End file.
